I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
