If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
