i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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