Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
