Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
