Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
