He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
