I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
