WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
