You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
