It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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