Where did you get a picture of my penis
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
