So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
