Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
