I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
