i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
