Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Randomize
