Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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