dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
