I feel great
I just peed on a car
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
