Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
