He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
