i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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