At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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