WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
