How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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