If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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