I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
