i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
