i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
