Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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