so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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