Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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