How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
