Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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