even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
