I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
