I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
