I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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