I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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