I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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