1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
