o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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