and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
