Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
