In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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