I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My bed smells like the plague
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