The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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