She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
