I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
