my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
