My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
