And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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